Let me start off by saying that the topic of this article is something that I have experienced first hand and have found a lot of other models have experienced this also. And we just would like you guys to know how it really makes us feel, but just let me warn you that sh*t is about to get real.
Modeling has introduced me to some pretty amazing people, some who I barely ever see but have become some of my best friends. Through modeling I have met some pretty awful people as well; rude, arrogant, and self-centered bitches. But not all models are that way, in fact, the majority of models that I have meet are the exact opposite. Truth bomb #1: A lot of models have low self-eesteem, suffer from depression, self-hate, anxiety, and have suicidal thoughts and/or actions. And the reason I know this is because I am one of those models who has suffered from or more of those illnesses, and still do to this day. I know what you’re thinking, “But you’re pretty, you’re literally a model why would you feel this way” At least thats what the three of my friends said when I finally told them what I was going though. It was hard for me to tell my closest friends what I struggle with, so yes, it is hard to for me write knowing that I have to put it on the internet. But its time I share what I have gone/ am going through in hopes to change the way people automatically perceive models, and to hopefully inspire other girls. Because of the things I have struggled with, I put up a front. I acted more confident than I was, which wasn’t hard because I wasn’t confident at all. And as I became successful, people took my (fake) confidence as me being “cocky”. Which was the polar opposite of what I am. I always had this vision that if I proved everybody wrong, by becoming the model they said I could never be, I would get their “approval” I was looking for approval from my peers like many teens are but thats not how this world works and I slowly came to realize this. People hated when I wasn’t successful, and they hate when I am on the path to becoming successful.
“Model” used to have a classy undertone to it, it used to make people think graceful, classic, beautiful. but nowadays people hear the word “model” and automatically associate it with slut, self-centered, dumb, self-absorbed, the list could go on and on. And I’m not speaking for all models, but the majority that I have met are the opposite of self-centered in anyway shape or form. Think of it from our perspective, models are constantly under a microscope. Our “image”, what we look like, and what we post, are always being criticized by the people we work with, our families, our friends, and the world. In order to get that one “money shot” we go through multiple hours of well, not money shots. We are always being told what could make us look better, “add more contour, you should go tanning, you should stop tanning, do you work out?, you should try this waist trim trick, change positions you look fat here, you look weird in this, or they just keep it “nice” and say “ I don’t like this shot”. Ive heard it all, and thats just from the people we work with. From our families and friends it gets worse. If we most too many of our modeling pictures, then we are accused of being self- centered or hearing “she knows she’s hot”. Truth bomb #2: After months of long hours at the gym and eating right resisting temptations, and then working multiple hours to get one good shot, I am allowed to be proud of my work! And nobody can tell me I can’t. After the scruteny I went through to get that photo, Im going to want to post the final edit. This does NOT make me self- absorbed. An architect, designs a building, and is impressed with himself after many hours of working on the details. Is said architect self-centered for being proud of his work? No. So why are models labeled as self-centered for being proud of their work? Same concept, different career.
I was once at a photo shoot in New York City and the designer kept pointing out my “folds” (aka the nice way of saying my muffin top) to the photographer who would then tell me to change poses. But even though it wasn’t my fault that the clothes weren’t my size, I mean I sent them my exact measurements previous to my arrival to the shoot, I still felt like it was my fault. They expected me to walk in and fit whatever size the designer grabbed for the shoot. In that moment there is nothing I can do, I can’t tell the extra pounds on my body to come back later because I’m working right now. But all day I had to hear that I was “too big” for the clothes. Knowing I am not too big, but also feeling not small enough. The best thing I could do was to finish out the photo shoot as best I could, and go home and workout even harder than I did the day before.
One model I know, whose name will not be mentioned, once asked me if I have ever though that modeling may be the root to our depression. I didn’t know what to say, Id never thought about it. Could modeling, living our dream, be why we’re depressed? It is the reason that we are in the public eye so much, which gives people the chance to judge us so harshly, so it made sense. And then I said, if you think thats why you’re depressed and suicidal, why do you keep doing it? And she said “because its what I love”. We love what we do so greatly that we also let it destroy us. And thats how we know were doing something right, because we won’t let the scrutiny from others change what we want to do in our own lives, even if it hurts. Our greatest pleasure we are blessed enough to call our jobs. I once heard somebody explain that accountants go into accounting because its logical, and that engineers go into engineering because its good money, but those who follow their passion will have something even greater that somebody who hates their job will have, happiness.
Modeling, at least where I come from, is considered and odd job. You don’t meet a model everyday like you might in LA, but I’m still a normal person. My friends are almost all in college, and I like to be able to go out with them, especially because I don’t have a 9-5 job, or classes of my own. And when I meet new people the conversation every time is the same every single time; “So what year are you?” And I reply, “I don’t go here” “Where do you go?” they ask “I don’t go to school”, So they ask, “What do you do then” “I work” I tell them. “Where do you work?” “All over” I tell them vaguely. They say “what do you do?” And I reply, “I work, everywhere” and then I usually walk away to avoid the load of questions they then have about my career and what its like. If I walk away they usually just think Im rude, but if I stay and tell them what I do and answer their questions, then I get a reputation of talking about myself too much. Even though I was just answering their many questions, theres no winning here. And of course I have those friends that introduce me to their friends as “this is my Friend Nikki, she’s a model” like okay great, am I not a normal person? Nope, not anymore. This friend will now forever know you as “that model girl” instead of who I really am. People assume that as a model I judge them hard-core, but in actuality, just about everybody judges me more. I’ve been called every name in the book, by everyone from complete strangers, to those closest to me. But what I do for a living, is also what I dreamt about doing my entire life and to be a model I have to put myself out there. I have to post my photos, I have to work hard for my body every day, I have to show off that body, I have to take the criticism and turn it into motivation. Truth bomb #3, no, I am not cocky, arrogant, self-centered, or “know I’m hot” but I’m trying to be happy with myself. And I hope I have cleared up the misinterpretation and shown you a little bit of what models are really like. I live by the quote “A strong women builds a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her” I was told I would never be a model, and I took the naysayer(s) saying that, and I proved them wrong. I took the bricks others had thrown at me, I hit myself with them a few time and got my own blood on them, then played them down to build a firm foundation.
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